i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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