Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Randomize
