Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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