On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
