i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
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