I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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