she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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