Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
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Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
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how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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