your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
