It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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