fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
