i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I just gift wrapped bread.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
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You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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