Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
