i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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