mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
