i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it