So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
