??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
