i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
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