There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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