I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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