When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
