Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.