i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
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OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
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Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.