one might say we're banned from that church
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
