I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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