Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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