Don't make out with my wife yet
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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