Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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