Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
