I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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