I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
