Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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