i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
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