if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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