fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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