if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
