its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
