Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
