Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Randomize
