How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
