I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
