I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize