Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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