God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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