Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Randomize
