I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
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