And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
