Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
