i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
