I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
