wat bout pragnant strippers??
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
