My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
You need Xanax blowdarts
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
the liver wants what the liver wants
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
