Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
