420 ftw
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
