If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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