my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
