you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
When did angry sex become our thing?
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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