You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
