make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
