Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
