Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
we made out on top of his cat.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
