walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
