I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
