I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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