I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
bring money and cleavage
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
