the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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