So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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