that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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